The Things They Carried
by coreymason
Summary: An insight into the histories and emotional baggage each member of the team and how they came to function as a team.  Rodney's chapter
1. Ronan

Notes: I took the title from a Tim O'Brien novel. I plan on writing a chapter for each of the team…

The Things They Carried

As Carson Beckett looked down on the one place, he truly felt accepted and home he could not help ponder the complexity of those he had known during his journey in Atlantis. Every member of the Atlantis Expedition carried some sort of emotional baggage. No one who had reached any sort of emotional enlightenment would have made the decision to exile themselves to another galaxy where danger and death were about as common as Starbucks. The Atlantis crew was a complicated bunch; they had somehow found a way to turn their emotional repressions into fortitude, or loyalty, or talent to. These amazing individuals shouldered their own baggage and that of an entire galaxy.

Ronan Dex carried with him the memory of a wife and child. It is hard to believe it, but Ronan was once a naïve and idealistic man. He believed that with enough willpower and strength of character that anything could be achieved; failure merely indicated laziness or lack of desire. When he had met Alia he was barely more than a child. The young woman sashayed into his life all legs and big hazel eyes. She was thought by all of Sateda to be a solemn girl, but Ronan saw a glint in the eyes that made him respectfully disagree with that assessment. Her parents had intended her to be a priestess; she was not destined for the love of a man. Fortunately, for Alia, Ronan had other thoughts on the matter, he knew the moment he looked at her that she was his.

As a Satedan warrior, his father had often instructed him on how to catch elusive prey and Alia certainly fit that category. Ronan fully believed that if he wanted her love enough and worked for it that her heart would belong to him. He began following the young beauty around and attempting to impress her by hunting the hard to catch Gitchmaz bird and presenting Alia with its rare plumage. He began learning poetry so that he could recite it to her as he walked her home from her lessons. When it came time for Alia enter her priestess training her decision was easy and Ronan's world theory that with enough dedication and work you could achieve anything went unchallenged. As he took Alia to their new home for their first night as joined, he did not believe his heart could known any greater happiness.

That theory was proven wrong years later when a tiny child with big gray eyes and creamy brown skin entered the world with a sharp cry demanding that someone notice her entrance. One look at those big soulful eyes and Alia and Ronan unanimously agreed that she be named Ayana the mythical goddess of wisdom. Ronan Dex had been trained to fight, he could kill a man with his bare hands and he had, but looking at his wife and newborn daughter he only felt unadulterated love. Despite the havoc the Wraith were administering across the galaxy he would keep them safe and would frighten away the young men who would inevitably recite poetry to his daughter as they walked her home from lessons. As long as he worked tirelessly they would be spared, they would be the lucky ones.

The universe unfortunately failed to offer up proof to Ronan's hypothesis on the workings of the world. The Wraith came and captured him, the Satedans, or what was left of the once formidable people, were scattered over the galaxy. The worst part was that Ronan could not even be sure that his wife and daughter were among them. No one on Belkan had heard even rumours about Alia's and Ayana's survival, but nor did anyone remember theirs being among the numerous corpses. At least with secure knowledge of their death he could mourn and perform the necessary rituals. He could not bring himself to mourn his family that could still be alive.

Ronan Dex was a man that dealt with the concrete; he did not cope well with uncertainties. This is why he killed Kell on Belkan; it felt cathartic to end the life of a man who had ended the life of so many. His encounter with the former Task Master felt like he was avenging his wife and daughter, even if it was nowhere nearly enough.

Ronan Dex carried the image and memory of a wife and child, happiness, and innocence with him to Atlantis. Those images are what fueled him to accept Sheppard's offer to join SGA-1. Each time he saw a Wraith or the havoc they wrought he would picture reciting poetry to a beautiful woman under the Satedan moon or gazing into the soulful eyes of a child as she slept and it became the catalyst to fight with ferocity and protect those that could end the reign of the Wraith.

As Carson pondered the young Runner he realized that the Satedan's baggage was what made him such an asset to Atlantis' frontline team. The uncertainty of his family fueled him to become the protector of his team. John, Teyla, and Rodney provided the Pegasus Galaxy the best chance of being rid of the Wraith. If the world decided to return Ayana and Alia to him then he would damn well make sure that they would return to a place where they would be safe and thrive. Plus, since losing his family, John, Teyla, and Rodney had become the equivalent; after losing one family he refused to lose another. That is why he met each threat fearless and full of passion. It was his baggage that allowed him to continue to fight.


	2. Teyla

Thanks for those who are reading. I hope you enjoy the next chapter...

Teyla's Chapter

After pondering the tragic events that led Ronan to join Sheppard's motley crew, as the Atlantis expedition affectionately referred to the frontline team, the beloved Scott turned his attention to the team's sole female member. Carson Beckett always harbored a soft spot for the young Athosian woman; she was a beloved younger sister and dear friend. Unfortunately, the reasons and history that brought Teyla to Atlantis were no more positive or happy than Ronan's.

Teyla Emmagan carried with her the weight of an entire people. At the tender age of five, a young girl with intelligent but mischievous brown eyes and dark hair experienced death for the first time. A young Teyla and her play companions were pretending to be the revered Ancestors when she suddenly was struck with a sickness. Her stomach felt like it had dropped out of her body, her vision swam, and she felt dizzy like when her father would swing her around endlessly during the Harvest festival. Her play companions stood frozen in fear as little Teyla's dinner of tuttleroot soup made its' reappearance and the child fell to the ground clutching her head. Her playmates never had the chance to run and alert her mother and father as at that moment the sky thundered with the sound of Wraith darts.

Tagan and Sulia Emmagan and the rest of the parents came flying into the compound where the Athosian children had spent the evening playing. One look at Teyla prostrate on the ground and her parents worst fear, a fear that would later plague Teyla, came to life; their daughter had obviously inherited the trait of sensing the Wraith. Sulia knew it was a possibility, her brother too had been able to sense the Wraith, but it had driven him to take his own life when he was only six and twenty. After the birth of her beautiful child, Sulia had prayed to the ancestors to spare her child this curse, but her prayers fell on deaf ears.

Her parents grabbed the future leader of the Athosians and took her to the woods. Slung over her father's broad shoulders crying from the unfamiliar pain Teyla watched as the Wraith reached her playmate Retuno. In the chaos of the night, the child had been forgotten and left in the compound. Unable to speak or cry out she watched as a Wraith drone struck a hand onto Retuno's chest. Once again overcome with nausea she closed her eyes to regain some stability, when she opened her eyes the sight of Retuno lying dead on the ground greeted her eyes. That night the mischievous glint left Teyla's eyes. In the span of an evening, an innocent five-year-old had lost her innocence.

After that night word of Teyla's "gift" spread throughout the Athosian people like the summer wildfires. For little Teyla the "gift" her village preened out had become her personal curse. Her playmates now viewed her with a newfound wariness. After watching the girl collapse and fall apart, the other children were afraid to play with the girl lest she have another attack. To the Athosian children Teyla represented a threat and death; while the "gift" was not her fault, Teyla's visions almost always indicated death and tragedy. While children avoided the dark haired beauty, adults fussed over her and kept a fierce watch on the small girl. She could not escape the watchful eyes of fear-ridden adults. Teyla could not sneeze without every Athosian instantly searching the sky for a sign of the Wraith. Tagan called his child the "savior," but her Sulia's heart broke for the small child. While the villagers and her father saw her as savior, an advance warning system, they also unconsciously shunned her. Her mother realized that Teyla had lost a childhood; she would forever carry the weight of her people on those tiny thin shoulders.

At the age of thirteen Teyla accompanied her father to visit the home world of the Mirastu to begin training. The village had unconsciously decided that the young woman would eventually replace Tagan as the Athosian leader. As such, she began warrior training a full two years then her age mates. Someone with such a "gift" would be required to protect the Athosians with both mind and body. When Tagan and Teyla returned, the charred remains of homes and the news that Sulia had been captured by the wraith met them.

Puberty is often a time of upheaval and major alterations in both mind and body, but for Teyla it became more baggage to carry. Sulia had been the one person in the adolescent's life who protected her from the weight of an entire people. Her mother knew the "gift" was in actuality a life-long "curse" with no reprieve from responsibility. That is why her mother would spend days encouraging the children to play with Teyla, teasing and coaxing smiles and giggles out of the girl, and reprimanding the adults who followed her child's every movements. Sulia understood how much Teyla's warnings meant to the safety of the Athosians but she also understood that Teyla was just a child and would have her whole life to carry that burden and responsibility. Her mother's death brought an end the meager breaks of responsibility. Additionally, Teyla would spend the rest of her long life with the knowledge that had she not been away training to be an Athosian leader she might have sensed the Wraith early enough to save the one Athosian that mattered most to her.

Time passed and Teyla grew up into a serious and focused woman. She was a fierce warrior, a gentle leader, and a focused negotiator; she was what her father always insisted she was, a savior. As her father schooled her in fighting, the art of trading, and the finesse needed to handle people of various temperaments and personalities Teyla found more and more of her life consumed with Athosia. Her first lover, Aroso, broke apart from their union not because he did not love her but because she had little time for their relationship. The young woman had the respect of all but the friendship of only a few. Teyla carried the weight of her people with no help from anyone. When her father too was lost in a Wraith attack going back to save others, she lost her last lifeline. Now, the fate of the Athosians was solely Teyla's responsibility. Every death, ever disappearance, every broken family became another image seared into her brain, a memory she carried with her both awake and in sleep.

It was that sense of responsibility that caused Teyla to take up Colonel's Sheppard's offer to join Atlantis' frontline team. It was the image of the Athosians that allowed her to make the difficult but necessary decision to physically separate herself from them. The Lanteans provided the best hope of ridding the galaxy from the parasitical force of the Wraith. Each time she picked up that P90, or endured a lecture from Rodney on proper handling of equipment, or chivalric warning from John and Ronan, Teyla just concentrated on her people. Their images were what allowed her to maintain a sense of calm when immersed in a foreign environment, tap into her dreaded Wraith spidey sense, and continually place her life in danger. She carried the Athosians.

As Carson thought about Teyla's journey to Atlantis, he realized that it was that great, and tragically overwhelming sense of responsibility that allowed her to be the team's peacemaker. She could prevent Ronon from acting hastily and quickly distract Rodney and John from their legendary squabbles. Being a great leader allowed to occasionally stand in the background for her team. She knew that sometimes John had to come up with outrageous plans, Rodney had to come up with extraordinary scientific theories, and that Ronan had to injure a great many people. That did not mean she was unimportant, she just knew, as any great leader did, on what occasions their skills were necessary. As such, Teyla knew when it was necessary to step up and negotiate and act to conciliate grievances between her team and other tribes or people.

Carson smiled ruefully while looking down at Teyla. Since he had met the woman three years, she had undergone a drastic change. As much as her joining Sheppard's team had been about saving her people, he could not but help think that some of the baggage was being lifted off her. Away from her people, while she still carried a sense of responsibility, she had also begun to regain a glint of mischief in her eyes. Every time she taunted and bested John during a sparring session, or teased Rodney until he blushed, or explained Earth references to Ronon (having been on the team longer) Teyla regained some of the happiness and innocence her mother desperately wanted for her. Teyla Emmagan smiled more, laughed readily, and was even known to occasionally pull one over on the men of her team. No matter where in the galaxy she would carry the Athosians, but on her team, the burden was slightly displaced and there were an extra three pairs of sturdy shoulders to aid her in her obligation. Yes, somehow those four individuals, while undergoing great personal losses and tragedies, had found alter the emotional baggage into a functioning team.

Next up Rodney's chapter...


	3. Rodney

I found it impossibly hard to get into the mindset of Rodney, so I apologize if this chapter is off. I just had a good deal of reasoning out what would initially make Rodney so abrasive, so I tried to make his best asset his biggest insecurity. Hope I don't fail too badly…

As Carson continued his examination of Atlantis' most infamous team from his new found vantage point, he could only shake his head. Despite their personality flaws and extreme emotional baggage, those four individuals were damn lucky to have found each other. Ronon, Rodney, Teyla, and John were not the first individuals to suffer such wide scale lost and devastation, nor would they be the last. What made the quartet unique was that they had not lost their humanity like the Genii had, or found themselves locked in a pattern of self-destructive behavior like Aiden Ford, or "dead" like Carson himself. Instead, they had miraculously uncovered the secret of alchemy, and changed crippling tragedy into motivation and strength. Rodney's past, while not of the same devastating nature as Ronon's and Teyla's was no less tragic. It was just as amazing that Rodney McKay had found himself a member of the team as any of the others had.

Rodney carried insecurity with him to Atlantis. As hard as it could be to contemplate that Atlantis' most pompous and arrogant resident was often plagued by self-doubt it was no less true. Rodney's upbringing and the unfortunate time period he grew up led to feelings of worthlessness that would prove the necessary motivation for the genius to join the expedition and become a member of the front line team.

Meredith Rodney McKay entered the world into a supportive and loving family. They began as the prototype of the perfect family. Ken McKay was a doctor, loving husband, and doting father. Rodney's mother, Alice, was the stay-at-home who besides running an immaculate household and devoting exuberant amounts of energy to her children's happiness also chaired numerous education committees and charities. Rodney and his younger sister Jeannie just completed the perfect picture.

By the age of seven, the young boy had already begun learning that having the world hold such high expectations for you could be just as stifling and trying as if the world expected you to fail. Each scenario was harmful to the child unlucky enough to be expected to thrive under such hostile conditions. By the time he entered the first grade the young boy had found himself the victim of both scenarios.

The first problem he encountered was the excessive bullying and teasing. Showing up to class with sixteen other children and the first name of Meredith was destined to end badly. As Rodney would assert later after understanding Darwinian principles, children represent the epitome of human evolution; they feed upon the misery and insecurities of those weaker than themselves in order to obtain their own dominance and survival. Children were cruel. The seven-year-old found himself hit, kicked, and teased until tears fell. The school had tried to stop it, but Rodney was not forthcoming with information; he refused to tattle on his classmates. If there was one thing his father instilled in him, it was the mantra, "No one likes a nark."

In the beginning, Rodney ran to his mother and father seeking out sympathy; however, his parents did not understand. Ken and Alice loved their child, but they did not understand why the boy did not stick up for himself or hit back. Ken had tried to teach his son boxing but the boy was too sensitive to actually apply the lessons to another human being. After a time, Alice had tried to intervene on the behalf of her son, but being the dutiful wife, she politely deferred to her husband's decision on the matter. The worst part about it was that Rodney understood his parents' logic, they honestly thought they were preparing him for life's cruelty; however, those platitudes did not ease the tears of a bullied seven-year-old.

Soon after the teasing and bullying had started, the McKays encountered another problem. Rodney was failing his classes and was in danger of being left behind. His mother could not understand. He was such a curious child, always asking questions and taking apart his bicycle or the family's 8-track only to reassemble it. There was no reason this inquisitive and seemingly, bright little boy should be failing anything. His father was heartbroken when he heard the news. He had hopes that his only son would one day grow up to be a doctor and share in his father's private practice. Looking at the child's report card and what Alice had mentioned about Rodney's natural aptitudes, Ken McKay instantly decided that his son's failure was the result of laziness. Starting immediately, Rodney was not allowed outside until his homework was done and corrected by Alice of himself. This was not meant as a punishment but to ensure that their child succeeded in life.

Poor Rodney was miserable with the new rules. He could not sit down and stare at inane textbooks when there was so much of the world to be explored and when the mysteries of the family's television and how the same images broadcasted to every home at the same time still needed to be answered. He wanted to do well, for himself and for his parents, but he could not find the focus to pay attention to one subject or problem when so many subjects and problems existed.

Rodney barely scraped through the grades necessary to advance to the next grade. His parents could not understand it and their rules just became stricter. They were assuming the boy's failures were a result of the child's laziness. This trend continued for quite some time. His father, while he loved his son dearly, gave up on the hope that his son would do anything important with his life. Instead, he encouraged the boy's gift with mechanics; Ken had made peace with the fact that his son would be no more than a mechanic. He even encouraged his son to drop out of high school and pursue vocational training rather than scraping by high school with less than mediocre grades. Fortunately for the inhabitants of the Pegasus Galaxy, Alice McKay adamantly demanded that her child would get his diploma if she had to spend every waking minute working with Rodney.

It was his high school physics teacher Miss Rasmussen that realized the potential that was Rodney McKay. It was while grading a test, which Rodney had failed miserably, that she stopped and noticed the drawings on the back of the test. While any normal teacher would have attributed this to typical doodles, Miss Rasmussen realized that the sketches were complex drawings that applied theories of force and inertia way beyond the average capacity of a high school student. After calling the teenage into her office and hearing him expel theories beyond that of the average graduate student, she realized something was wrong for this brilliant young man to be failing. After weeks of testing, the school realized that Rodney McKay was dyslexic and suffering from attention deficit disorder. In today's time, he would have been diagnosed before leaving the first grade, but then both dyslexia and attention deficit disorder were new and even controversial diagnoses. It explained why such a brilliant mind did so poorly on standardized testing; he was not your standard student.

By that time the damage had been done. Rodney was used to people underestimating him. His own father had assumed his son was lazy and given up on any aspirations for the young boy. Rodney would always feel as if he destroyed the image of the perfect family. He had become conditioned to everyone assuming he was unintelligent and not worth the time or energy to get to know. With this newfound intelligence, he did the most natural thing; he shoved it in everyone's face. For Rodney, showing off, became a defense mechanism; he never wanted anyone to assume he was worthless ever again, so he shouted it from the rooftops. He was preempting anyone thinking him a waste of energy.

Rodney carried the emotional baggage of years of bullying and strong feelings of inadequacy. It was that past and emotional trauma of bullying and feelings of inadequacy that had resulted in the young man avoiding people. Relationships of any sort always ended in Rodney letting someone down or being let down by them. It was easier to seek his own company, at least that way he knew what to expect. Therefore, when John, Teyla, and Ronan entered his life, he was obviously abrasive; he **knew** not to expect much from anyone. After a while, seeing as their presence has become annoyingly permanent, he just began to accept them. They even had expectations of him, that he would participate in team night and join in on the team's ritual breakfast gathering so they would each know the other's plans and whereabouts should an emergency come up. More importantly, they had expectations of his intelligence; they knew if an emergency arose, Rodney's intelligence would a find a way to save them. Now, his abrasiveness was more out of habit than trying to prevent them from entering his life. No, Kirk, Conan, and Xena were firmly ensconced in his life and the idea was not entirely unpleasant.

As Carson considered Rodney, he realized that Rodney needed the affection and stability that being apart of Sheppard's team provided. Meeting Ronan, John, and Teyla had begun to ease his emotional baggage; he no longer had to carry it all by himself. People assumed the scientist had a huge ego but the ego really was just an act so no one knew how vulnerable Meredith Rodney McKay really was. When people expected the impossible, his teammates, and ad hoc family (though Carson was positive Rodney would never use that word it was no less true) were there letting him know that he was intelligent and that he could solve the problem. If for whatever reason Rodney could not figure out the problem in time, Ronan would grab a weapon, Teyla would try to negotiate, and John would make a self-sacrifice to compensate. This team was perfect together. The ragamuffin team of the emotionally repressed complimented each other. Where one failed, another was there to step up with another alternative or idea. Carson's only regret was that he would not be there to patch them up when they came through the gate battered and bruised, both physically and mentally. However, Carson's new existence made him humble enough to admit that whether he was there or not the four of them would find a way to patch up each other and keep on going.


	4. John

As a psych major John always seemed to exhibit the personality traits of an abused child so, while its been written before, I couldn't ignore the signs and had to write it that way. This one's a little longer but I wanted to give closure and explain Carson's presence during the chapters. Thanks for the wonderful feedback, it is always appreciated!!

It was with the mixed feelings of affection and exasperation that Carson turned his attention to the last member of Atlantis' premier team, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. Atlantis' former doctor and still beloved doctor could not help but spend extra time contemplating the seemingly laid back military leader of the city of Ancients. The man was a walking contradiction, laid back and sarcastic, yet fiercely loyal and always in control. John's baggage was no more or less severe than his teammates and best friends, but it explained the complexity that was the Colonel.

John Sheppard carried only himself and a worn copy of War & Peace. Despite the way their lives turned out, Ronon still had blissful memories of a wife and child, Teyla had festivals and her mother, and Rodney had a Jeannie and a family, while failing him, still loved him immensely. John had none of these.

He entered the world on a cold rainy February day with a head full of bed head black hair that his mother would have adored had she had the chance to see it. Lilah Steadman-Sheppard died on a cold rainy February directly after giving birth to her first and only child. Michael Sheppard, a career Navy office officer, was devastated. He had gained a son and lost his beloved wife in one day. Had it been his choice and the doctors asked, there is no doubt that he would have chosen to save his wife. She was perfect, obedient, lovely, educated, talented, sophisticated, and every other trait was necessary to being a Navy wife. He was a strict man and had no time to raise a child, especially one that looked so much like its mother.

Laurence's mother, and John's mother, tried to compensate for Lilah's absence. She traveled with her son and grandson keeping house and raising John, but Lilah's presence was still missed. Laurence had no one to escort to his various functions and he could not bring his comrades home to his mother and unruly son. In his opinion, the little boy was treated far to laxly and spoiled by his grandmother; he was much too loud and disobedient. The first time he hit John, the boy was only three and had been found in the kitchen spilling milk everywhere as he attempted to pour himself a cup to accompany the cookies that littered the counter. It gave a new meaning to the phrase "no use crying over spilled milk." Luckily for little John, his grandmother intervened demanding, that Laurence show restraint towards the small boy.

Each night, as she put him to bed, his grandmother would tell him stories about his mother to help the child go to sleep, it was the only thing that seemed to still the fidgety child. She told little John about how green Lilah's eyes were, or how she smelled like honey, or how excited she was when she found out she was pregnant with John, or how her favorite book was _War and Peace_, or how Lilah named her son after her favorite author John Steinback. These were the balms to a little boy whose father ignored him 90 of the time and screamed at him the other 10. Those percentages were to quickly change though when Ann Sheppard died when John was only six, leaving him with a worn copy of War and Peace as his only comfort.

A mere week after his grandmother died was the day that John's life truly deteriorated. As the sole disciplinarian Laurence Sheppard began using the mantra spare the rod, spoil the child. John was a naturally curious and exuberant six-year-old, the first time his father caught him in the tree singing to birds from the tree he demanded the child come down immediately. It was unseemly for a colonel's child to be noisily playing in trees where the neighbors could see. After the child came down he was dragged inside, beaten, and sent to bed. John's "crimes" changed but his father's behavior was a constant for the next 12 years old. As a navy officer, his father was smart enough to hit where no one would notice, although with no other living family, there was no one to even worry about John's welfare.

His life followed a set pattern. The child would do something wrong, sometimes accidentally and sometime to incite his father's anger. Sadly, the only type of interaction he ever had with his father was during the screaming matches and beatings. He quickly learned that nothing incited his father more than sarcasm and indifference. The pattern continued until the day John turned 18. It was a cold rainy day when he walked in late, smirked at his father's obvious ire, and set down the papers that showed that John F. Sheppard was now a member of the United States Air Force. Nothing could be as disrespectful to a Navy officer than have his son join a rival military branch. Laurence stood up ready to hit his son, but John grabbed the arm and sent his father flying into the wall. He walked up stairs, packed his bags, and saw his father for the last team.

When he was nineteen his girlfriend he got his girlfriend Rebecca pregnant. He had just joined the Air Force and was about to transferred to Germany for the next three years. He was not going to be his father, absent or abusive. John was determined he would be there for his kid, so he did the only thing that seemed right, asked Rebecca to marry him.

They got married in a tiny chapel with the minister and his wife as the witnesses. Her Catholic family was furious that she had gotten herself into such a situation, and he did not consider his father as family. They spent their wedding dinner at a diner, it was all they could afford and skipped the honeymoon entirely, and they were too busy preparing for John's transfer. It was in Germany five months after their wedding that Hannah Lilah Sheppard was born. A beautiful little girl with her father's bed head and hazel eyes and her mother's delicate features, she was sure to be a heartbreaker one day. As soon as he held the tiny being, he swore she would only know love.

As Carson learned from his new existence, and John learned at the age of twenty, life is cruel and unfair and makes no apologies. One morning John and Rebecca woke up to find their daughter, not thirty feet from them, unmoving and without breath in her tiny little baby. The ambulance came and she was taken to the hospital, but the minute that he saw those little lips were blue he knew he would never hear them utter the phrase "daddy" or "I love you." Hannah Lilah Sheppard was dead, the doctors said it was SIDS, but that provided no closure or comfort to distraught parents. The normally colicky baby had been so quiet that night, that they took the child's silence as a godsend and took advantage to catch up much needed sleep.

After Hannah's death, his marriage quickly faded just as the little girl had, only with much more vigor. Rebecca had just lost her family's approval, moved to another country, and lost her infant daughter; she was depressed and upset. John knew that, but it did not lessen the blows from the accusations she threw at him claiming he was responsible for her death. She blamed him for moving to Germany. She wanted her mother and sisters right now; John was too caught up in his own grief to know how to handle hers. Their marriage survived another year before her anger and his drinking became too much. She took Hannah's things and moved back to the States and John was left by himself with some bottles of Johnny Walker.

It was only after he failed to report to duty and an irate CO came looking for him did he find the young man passed out in bed covered in his own vomit. Colonel Rawson took pity on the young man and rather than reporting the cadet he took care of it himself. After Sheppard recovered from his alcoholic stupor, Rawson sat him down and told him his own story about how he lost his first wife and a son in a car accident years ago. The more Rawson talked, man-to-man, the more Sheppard listened. It was the first time in his existence that someone took the time and energy to help John Sheppard; someone cared what happened. Rawson quickly became a mentor and the colonel and cadet became good friends. John Sheppard learned that flying was a more productive, and much more fun, way to take out his aggression and grief. With a lifetime of aggression and grief, he became the Air Force's up-and-coming hotshot pilot.

That is not to say that the pilot's life took a drastic change. He was still impulsive and retained that rebellious streak from the days of his father. He still often found himself in trouble opposing author. Sadly, he may have lived and breathed flight, but he had little else in his life. After the tragedy of September 11th and he was sent to Afghanistan, no one was around to worry about Major John Sheppard. No one cried or mourned after his plane was shot down over enemy territory and watched as a good man died in his arms. John Sheppard was alone.

John Sheppard carried only himself to Atlantis, that was all he ever knew. He was a good Air Force officer, but he had no connection to his people. His sarcasm and disobedience created an atmosphere that caused people to admire the man but still keep their distant.

John Sheppard carried only himself to Atlantis, until he met Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir, and eventually Ronon Dex. People cared about him and genuinely loved him. During the trip to Sateda to save Ronon, when he told Teyla he would die anyone of them, he meant that for the first time in his life he would lay down his life out of care and love rather than as a way to ease the pain. Somehow, in three years his team had begun to undue the damage of over three decades of loneliness and pain.

John Sheppard would never truly lose the memories of an abusive father, losing Hannah, his self-destructive behavior, or his time in Afghanistan. He had let in the motley crew that made up of SGA-1, but he would keep some things to himself. It was the distance that allowed him to send Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla into situations where they could easily die. It was the self-sacrifice and abuse that allowed him to prevent Rodney from burying himself in science, and Ronon from shooting first and asking questions later, and Teyla using her pride to preventing her from asking for help. He knew their self-destructive behaviors, because at one point he had done the same things. It was a two-way street, whenever he began falling into bad habits. Rodney would show up demanding that he needed John for his ATA gene, even though he was certainly not the only person on Atlantis with gene. Teyla would come in with big brown eyes and a shy smile claiming she needed a sparring partner (although have the marines would have jumped at the chance to get sweaty with the beautiful Athosian), and how could anyone turn down big brown eyes, especially if just to prevent her seeking out the horny marines. Ronon would show up, physically dragging or carrying John out of his room to the commissary to force the man to engage in interaction with other humans. John obliged just to ensure that his people would never again see Ronon carrying him over his shoulder into the commissary.

In a conversation with Cameron Mitchell, the commander of the frontline team had once said he it was impossible to lead a team of aliens and civilians; you could just let him do their thing. To John Sheppard that was sometimes the most effective leading techniques. He knew when to push Rodney for a miracle, or when to let Teyla's spidey sense be their guide, or when Ronon was to emotionally involved to give an objective assessment. He knew their faults and weaknesses; he knew when to lead, when to let them do their thing, and when to demand the impossible out of them. Carson realized that John was the perfect leader, precisely because he knew when not to lead. He was the last puzzle piece to their family. He had become the loving father, knowing when to push the kids and when they needed to be coddled; he became what his father never was and the father he never got to be to Hannah.

Carson took one last glance at the frontline team and smiled. Four individuals with such devastating histories had some granted each other emotional rebirth. Oddly, the tragic personal events allowed them to save each other. After a particular mission when all four came through the gate covered in each other's blood and causing a standstill in the infirmary demanding that the others be treated first, Elizabeth and Carson walked into the situation not sure whether laughing or crying was the appropriate response. In a way, they were the blind leading the blind. Neither of them was prone to positive constructive behaviors, but they could always invoke those actions in the others. It was a contrite saying, but the baggage they carried with them was lightened by the presence of three strong backs to help carry the load. The future of John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, and Rodney McKay had been the one thing that had kept Carson from ascending into whatever lay ahead next, be it nothingness or a higher plane. After looking at the four individuals, he knew that the newly formed dysfunctional family would survive. He did not have to worry, though his own death had left the team devastated, they would keep each other going, and it was with that last thought that he closed his eyes and let come what may.


End file.
